Had another weird dream last night. I was actually trying to talk to her through telepathy. What the fcuk. How dumb was that.

Anyway open house is over, it went smoothly. Big thank you to all those who has helped. Now need to settle the camp stuff.

Spent a hundred dollars on some illustration books from Kino. Planning to catch up with some drawing during the holidays. I shall go find a scanner so I can practice colouring with photoshop.

Another random thing, when I was walking along Orchard, a chicken drumstick bone just dropped from the sky. It must had dropped from the tree, which was like 6, 7 storeys high. Bet it hurts if it did hit the guy.

What else..

Been meeting up with friends. They have many different opinions. The conclusion...
Doesn't really have one. May be I'll save it for another day. Anyway I'm not emo-ing about it already. I've tried, I've made mistakes, I hope in the end it'll work, but if it doesn't, it's already beyond my control. Can't possibly be clapping with one hand.. Seeing her having a good time in US, I kinda feel happy for her also, but then it's a mixed feeling. Everything seems so distanced, like looking through a one way glass, and she's not smiling because of you.

Ok that was a little too much.

It'll be a lie to say I can get over her over night. Still have this bitter-sour taste lingering whenever I think of her face. I bet the fcuking cognition and emotion work under different circuit pathway.

It's november tonight

After reading her blog, I've made up my mind. It's a pity.. But.. I really can't take it. I know Stella will tell me it's really nothing, it's just going out with guys that's all. Ya I know.. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. But I just can't convince myself to accept it.. This Ben guy, again... Which is why I asked that question. I won't judge. It's just that we have way too different lifestyle, and may be our values and principles as well. I hate to realise it, I refused to. I've tried to adjust but I couldn't, and if I can't that means it's not for me, right. Sigh.. My sixth sense.. So much for my sixth sense. Why you do disappoint me? Or may be you only detect girls which suits me in personality but not other aspects? You suck Mr. sixth sense. I trusted you and for once went all the way without reserves, and now.. Argh... It's just a pity. Fcuk.

What am I gonna do!?

Trying to forget your sweet smile,
trying to forget your sweet voice,
trying to forget all the sweet memories.. Well at least to me it was..
She's really really really a very sweet girl.. She really is.. =(
I really wish it'll work out, but I don't think it will now..

Life sux
And I feel like crying

Out of no where Haze msn me last night. Sometimes I seriously think she's a mystic creature.. Probably doesn't belong to our realm or something. Actually I think, if I'd have told her about what's happening she might be able to give me some out-of-the-world enlightenment, but somehow I was just too tired to talk about it anymore.

Before that I went to vivo with my Psych friends. They are just one crazy bunch. Got me to forget abt the troubles for awhile. Hey guys, if you're reading this, thanks for ask, but I really don't feel like talking about it at this moment. Just too jaded. May be I'll let you guys know when things are more settled down.

Day time is a struggle, but it won't leave me alone at night neither. Woke up from a nightmare this morning. I was walking along some random streets. There were stores on the second levels so I climbed up one by one. Then I came to this second-storey bar filled with youngsters. I looked around as if searching for something, or someone, no idea. So I turn back around decide to go back down the street. Then I catch a glim of her. And the only thing i heard was "why is this person here?". So I left. I thought I didn't mean to go there also.. I was just walking around, and so happened to end up there. I wanted to sms her to apologise, then I woke up from is before I could press "send". And I thought, thank God it's just a dream, or else things might get worse again.

Seeing xy's msn nick saying "每个人感觉起来都好遥远哦". I felt like saying someting but don't really know what to say also. Hmmm... It's like, sometimes people are sitting right next to you, yet you can't feel their presence. Sometimes you never will, sometimes after you've lost them then you start to feel it. Some people are miles away, yet you always feel so conected. Sometimes you wish some people to stay out of your way, but they just keep approaching. Sometimes you wanna get closer to some people, but they just keep pushing you away. Sometimes you think the people are so far away, but actual fact is they might be closer than you thought. Sometime you think you're close to someone, but actually you're not as close as you think you are.

Can't help but to admire Einstein and his Theory of Relativity. Just how do we measure distance.. from me view, I might be running all my might, but you still seem so far away, I can only see that tiny dot of you. Am I getting any closer? May be, may be not. May be the distance is just too great, so it looks all the same. But if you zoom out to bird-eye view, it suddenly seems a lot closer, there is only two dots, standing still, on the whole canvas. People are like stars? They all have traveled millions of lightyears before landing on your retina. They didn't intent land on you, but since we've all met each other, why don't we just enjoy the scenery instead of being melancholy for the distance. Sigh. My arms are just that long, how to catch the star? Now that there are clouds between us, what am I supposed to do? Hope the winds will blow them away before it disappears..

Usually I just blog about the most disturbing thoughts. May be I'm too free.. But well, that's how many random thoughts can go through my mind in an afternoon..

I think too much? I think so..

Just discovered a disadvantage of having a long nose. It increases the risk getting burnt by the soup while eating "Xiao Long Bao". How dumb. I should wait for it to cool down first. But then again, "Xiao Long Bao" is only nice when it's steamy hot what. So I guess it's worth getting burnt for. But my nose is really still damn pain.

Just realised I've been listening to all the Mayday song lately, and I've just realised it's already May. May.. May is such a weird month. May be.

For those who are concern, I'm fine. I've cooled down already. Just still a little.. sad. No idea how it'll turn out to be, but guess all I can do now is wait till holidays end..


Mayday of the day:

Not precisely what it meant, but you get what I mean.

I don't know why I did that. I don't know why I did it at this time. Should have listened to my senses.. I was completely out of my mind. SMS her and there's no reply. I know, I've really screwed it this time. Can I hate myself? I just feel so drained now. The feeling of guit has been torturing me since last night. Feel like ripping my heart off. I seriously have no idea how to say sorry to her. I have no idea how to tell her how sorry I am. But I guess the worse of all she's ignoring me. It's my fault. If and only if I have the guts to ask her straight, even if she reject the situation also won't turn this ugly. Please please please.. Can you forgive me. But honestly if you ask me I wouldn't have forgiven myself too. I need a miracle. Is God hearing this? I don't ask for many things in life. But I truely wish for this relationship will survive. It's so fragile, I know. And I don't know why I went to smash it on the wall. God I really wanna cry... I don't even know how is she now. I wish she could yell at me or score me or anything but keeping the silence. I hope she's just angry with me and not hurt. I'm so regreting this. I hope it's not too late to apologise. I hope I'm not hoping for too much.

I'm sorry. I really am.

GREAT! DUMB ASS I DID IT AGAIN!

Somebody stop me please. I have to stop this monster inside me, one way or another. FCUK! I HATE IT. Freaking impulsive. Stop it! I don't wanna hurt people anymore.. I didn't mean it.



Lord save me...

Dammit! I think I won't be able to focus if I don't get this out.

Out of his good will, Chio went to "spy" for me. Die! He went to ask his friend to ask her. Really don't know what's gonna happen. This kinda of sneaky thing is really not what a guy should do. Gosh.. Why did he go and ask.. I mean. Sigh. But his intention was just to help.. Argh. I know I know.. But he shouldn't! And I bet she's wondering which gutless guy is that trying to poke thing out. Dumbest part was my nick on msn was "I'm scared"! If she makes the link I really jump into yellow river also can't wash my name clean. SCREWED UP!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Chioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Argh..

Besides that I was sort of fierce to her the other day. She was talking to someone and left me hanging for hours. I thought that was a little too much. Actually I still think it is. But I told myself may be it was someting really important. But either way I don't think I shouldn't say something like that. Is it possible for people to talk things out without hurting each other? Sigh.

And Chio seriously shouldn't have asked. Even if he ask he shouldn't have let me know the replies also. I shouldn't have looked. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Oh no how to study like this


Insecurity is the mother of all screw-ups